The wit & wisdom of an almost 12-year-old

Nathan has been making me laugh so much lately, I feel the need to blog about it. Nearly all of his comments are delivered completely straightfaced. Sometimes he doesn't mean to be funny, but he usually knows exactly what he is doing -- he makes his comment and then just waits patiently for my response (usually a fit of near-hysterical laughter). Here are some of the latest entries from our family funny journal. Some of these were on the sidebar at one time or another, but just in case anyone missed them. . .

Caleb wanted to make homemade ice cream, but I reminded him it was winter and freezing cold. I said, "We don't need ice cream, we need . . um, we need . . . " Nathan had the answer: "We need BURN cream."

I asked Nathan if he knows how many feet are in an acre. He said, "It's easy to figure out. Just take the number of people and multiply it by 2. Unless someone has a prosthetic leg."

Caleb and Seth were having a big argument over a video game, so I stepped in to find a solution. It ended with Caleb storming off in a rage and Seth falling down on the floor, sobbing. Nathan stood close by with his arms folded and observed, "Just like they say in Calvin and Hobbes, a good compromise leaves everybody mad."

I had to go to a meeting and told Nathan I would be back in an hour. I said the boys could play video games or watch TV or do whatever they wanted. Nathan said, "Sweet! I can finally try out that flamethrower I bought."

Our elementary school principal gave me a thank-you note for serving on a committee. I read it to the boys and told them how nice it was for him to do that. Nathan said, "I bet his mom made him write it!"

Nathan was looking through the mail and said, "Oh, look. We all got letters from the credit union. They're probably telling us they gave us 50 cents for having an account there."

We were driving to school on a freezing morning, and some neighborhood girls we passed were not dressed very warmly. Nathan commented, "Hmm, I guess 15 degrees is the cutoff for wearing capris and a thin jacket."

I told Nathan I ordered a new book for him and told him to guess the title (The Mysterious Benedict Society). He asked for hints, so I said the title had the first name of a famous American traitor in it. He said, "John Wesley Powell?" I had never heard of John Wesley Powell and asked if he was an American traitor. Nathan said, "Yes, furs and stuff like that. You know, he was a mountain man." It took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about -- he thought I said a famous American TRADER. Awfully funny, even if Powell was an explorer, not actually a trader.

A boy at school grabbed Nathan's hood while he was running, and it tore Nathan's jacket. When Nathan told him what he did, the boy said he was sorry. Nathan said, "Sorry don't pay the bills."

Caleb got up early and cleaned up all the toys in the basement. Later, he thought he shouldn't have to put away his laundry as a reward. When I told him I appreciated him, but he still had to put away his laundry, he was not happy. He kept asking, "Where's my reward?" Nathan's comments: "Caleb is all about the compensation. When is he going to learn that virtue is its own reward?"

I was attempting to play chess with Nathan (my first mistake) when he said, "I just thought of a scathingly brilliant plan." Even with that warning, I didn't see what was coming and fell right into his trap. He had my king in check, and I saw he was likely going to capture my queen on his next move. I sat there, trying to come up with some options, and he said, "There's only one way out." I said, "There might be more than one way out." After another minute, he said, "Mom, you're just prolonging the inevitable. Accept it, and let me kill your queen." So I made the only move I could, and he took my queen, followed by my rook on his next move. A few more moves and it was over. At least he had a gracious victory speech: "Sorry, Mom, but I clobbered you."

And finally . . I asked Nathan how his basketball game went and he said, "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not a very good winner, but we whipped their trash."

Oh my, he keeps life interesting. :)